A New Face

     Here at STH, I'm taking a webdesign class. Today, because I have finished building that website, I am here, with something new to show you. You see, part of this class is about how to design a logo, which I have done. So here I am to share with you the "new face" of Life as a Starving Poet*:

     Image Copyright December 2010, MPK.

Unauthorized use is prohibited. All rights reserved

Yup. So there you have it folks- the official logo for this site. I hope you like it!

Thanks for listening,
Maggs

Dream Era of the Nerds

     Today, I would like to dedicate this post to all you nerds/geeks out there. Whether you spend your spare time practicing for the ACTs, taking computers apart and putting them back together again, or marking time to the songs on the radio, I want to congratulate you. You have made it- welcome to the dream era of the nerd.
     Ever since Bill Gates, who was possibly the nerdiest kid on the planet when he was growing up, nerds have become more respected. Yes, little Billy G. was picked last for dodgeball games in gym. Yes, he had dorky glasses fixed with tape (probably).Yes, he most likely spoke completely in computer jargon (if you know what jargon means, good for you- that's ten geek points. Congrats.). But now look at him- he's one of the richest men in the world. People use his products every day! In fact, right now, I'm typing these very words on my Microsoft software (thanks, Bill). 
     Because of Mr. Gates, nerds today have it better than anyone else out there. Yeah, it's still not completely sociably acceptable to be a band nerd or a math geek. But we're getting cooler as the years progress. It is now considered relatively cool to be a drama dork, and choir is becoming more normal as we speak (write. read. type. produce ATP molecules. whatever. And by the way, if you know what ATP is that's 15 geek points. If you can tell me exactly how it's made, that's 5 more geek points.).
     So here we are, nerds, geeks, and dorks everywhere. We have finally arrived in the Dream Era of the Nerd. So what are we going to do with it? Are we going to sit at home on our butts and play Zelda? Well, yes, we are. It's part of being a video game fanatic, which is a key part of being a geek. But aside from Zelda and the other afore-mentioned geeky pastimes, we are going to do something that geeks for centuries have feared to do- we're going to be ourselves.
     So, my geeky friends everywhere, I encourage you! Wear that saxophone neck-strap with pride. Rejoice when you beat the final boss of your latest video game. Get rid of those contacts and wear your glasses joyfully. Use words like "fortnight" in public. Carry your AP Calc book without shame. Find isosceles triangles in modern architecture and point them out to your friends. Read in public. Feel free to brag about the new robot software that you just designed. Correct people's grammar in public. Talk about how fun your algebra homework was. Outsmart everyone around you. Read through the adds at stores and tell the manager when you find a copy-editing error. Point out the teacher's mistakes. Admit that you watched Star Trek all weekend. Doodle maps of Middle Earth on your homework. If someone asks where your dream vacation is, tell them of how you long to journey to Magrathea. And lastly, be grateful that you are who you are. 
And now, geeks everywhere, I must bid you adieu. Au revoir, sayonara, auf wiedersehen, ciao, goodbye. 
Thanks for listening,
Maggs     

Only in the Midwest

     As those of you who've read my profile know, I live in the Midwest United States. Now if I do say so myself, it's a pretty awesome place. So here's for all you Easterners, Westerners, Southerners, and people from other countries: a description of the nation's bread basket from a girl who's lived there all her life.
     Things in the Midwest are nice, and a little quirky. Here, kids come to school in blaze orange to celebrate opening week of deer season. Here, temperatures around 10 degrees fahrenheit and three-foot drifts of snow are considered normal, and just another part of an average winter. Here, there's almost more fields of corn than there are people. All in all, the Midwest is a friendly place where the classic small town still thrives, and even dominates, the public scene.
     However, there are some negative stereotypes about us that I would like to disclaim. First of all, we're not hicks. None of the states in the Midwest area allow people to marry their cousins, and most people around here think that's creepy, anyways. Also, we don't have stupid accents. Ever listened to, "Da Turdy Point Buck" by Da Yoopers? You know the silly way they talk? Well I don't know anyone who speaks like that. Another thing- not everyone in the Midwest is a farmer. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a farmer- it's a hard, honorable job only for those who are willing to work constantly, and to run the risk of a bigger farm stealing their business. But I would like to point out that not all of us grow corn and raise cows as a living. There are other jobs around here too, you know. 
     Things here can be a little wacky and a little countrified, but the Midwest is still a great place to spend some time, or to grow up.
Thanks for listening,
Maggs  

Take a Look

     Hello, dear readers. Once again I come to you from STH (that's Small Town High, in case you'd forgotten). Today I discovered something interesting- another blog. I realize, of course, that there are tons of other blogs out there. But the blogs I stumble upon are always in a different language, or about how to homeschool five kids all at the same time, or about something that never seems to make any sense. But today I found a blog that isn't about homeschooling, and that is in a language I understand. It's called, "I wanted my title to be unique, but this is it :)", which, rather ironically, turns out to be a very unique title for a blog. 
     The author (kk2326) hasn't said much about herself except for the fact that she's a girl in high school, which is definitely something I can identify with. So far, she's only written two posts, but they have proved to be very interesting, truthful, and funny. so go check it out. The website is http://www.kk2326.blogspot.com/  Enjoy!
Thanks for listening,
Maggs

New Places, New Ideas

     So today I come to you not from my normal spot (a wonderful Mac in my basement) but from an entirely new place- a classroom at my high school. Now what high school that is, I won't say, for personal safety reasons. Instead, I'll call it Small Town High. Now here at STH, I'm sitting in my computer classroom, typing away. And no, I'm not breaking the rules, sneaking around behind the teacher's back or anything. I just want to let you know that this post is fully authorized, fully allowed, and fully permited.
     And now that that's over with, I suppose I'd like to take the opportunity to tell you a little bit about STH, and my life here. This post is really aimed at my readers from other schools, and especially at my followers from other countries (wether they're actually interested in this blog or not remains to be seen, but still, I like to think that I have a few European or Asian readers) so you can see a little bit of what my life is like.
     First of all, I'm at school for about eight hours every day, seven of which are dedicated to learning (yay). I'm being taught everything I will ever need to know, such as how to design a webpage and the word for pencil sharpenner in Spanish (it's el sacapuntas, by the way. Coolest. Word. Ever.). My classes are interesting enough, but plenty of exciting stuff happens in the halls, too. I have been a part of everything from mass band geek-outs, where we all stand around and hum the show music and practice our visuals, to intense debates about morals where everyone shouts their opinions until the teacher tells them to quiet down (how we get into such discussions, I'm sure I will never know).
     School is interesting, as an overall expierence, and I'm glad to be here for right now.
Thanks for listening,
Maggs

Introducing........ Ecat

      Introducing...... the amazing Ecat, my friend and authority on all things music. Today she comes to us with commentary on a favorite artist of her's- Norman Rockwell.

     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Rockwell
                Norman Rockwell is amazing. He is iconic in the 20th century American image, having created some of the most famous paintings during his lifetime. Some of his most notable works covered "The Saturday Evening Post" for more than four decades. As a prolific creator of over 4000 works, his ideas became easily accessible in the daily lives of all who saw his paintings even today.
     Aside from all of the fluff and frills of a critic, I truly enjoy who, what, and how Rockwell portrayed in his ideas. The greatest aim for an artist is to convey how they feel to another person, through whatever means they deem necessary. I  believe he did this successfully in his paintings, whether it be a whimsical piece or a grave story of humanity. Sentimentality holds a thread throughout all of his works through the stories told. While this sort of "sweetness" was rejected by the critics of his time, I think that it has been this that carried his work through generations. This theme is shown through on of my favorite paintings of Rockwell's. The painting shown above, "After The Prom," embodies the perfectness of the situation in a simplistic way while  supplementing the picture with subtle points. Some of my other favorites of his are "The Homecoming" and  "Doctor and Doll." Yup. If anyone out there actually understood what I was trying to say, I congratulate you. Ecat, signing off.
 
       And that, folks, is the famous Ecat. I hope you enjoyed her fascinating commentary. Until next time,
Yours truly,
Maggs
     

The Mind of a Poet

     Sometimes, I think I'm a little crazy. Why, you ask? For example, today, I finished all of my homework in my study hall and still had half an hour left before the bell rang. Normally, I would've gotten out a book and started reading. But today I didn't have a book with me. All I had was an English notebook and my pencil case. So what did I do? I wrote poetry of course. What about? Well, see for yourself:

                                         Sleep

sleeping boy (online) available at
http://nancilea.blogspot.com/
October 12th, 2010

Rest for the tired

Dreams for the imaginative

Safety for the scared

Peace for the troubled

Success for the insomniac

Home for the lost

Acceptance for the outcast

Quiet for the parent

A brainstorm for those with problems.

Life's eternal goal-

endless sleep.

Copyright MPK 2010, all right reserved, unauthorized use is prohibited.

     So while the girl next to me reads yet another vampire book, while the guy behind me plays Super Mario Brothers on his D.S., while un uper-classman a few seats away works on her calculus homework, what do I do? I write about sleep.

Good night and sweet dreams!

Thanks for listening,

Maggs 

Stats, Stats, Stats

     Today I was viewing the statistics of my blog and I was quite interested to see that the majority of people this week who viewed my blog were actually not from the United States- they were from Pakistan. This honestly surprised me, seeing as I have never been to Pakistan and most likely never will go there. Not because I have anything against your country, my Pakistani friends, but simply because I have no reason to visit you. I don't know anyone who lives in the Middle East and my only overseas relatives live in Germany, which is a far cry from Pakistan any day.
     This bit of information also led me to wonder why a person from a country so different from my own would be interested in reading what I have to say. Take my last post for example- "Marching Magic". I don't think you have marching bands over in the Middle East, but maybe I'm wrong? Or maybe you just enjoy reading about high school band geeks from the U.S. Who knows? 
     But whatever the reason you people from Pakistan read this blog, I encourage you to keep reading. For me, the idea of having such an international audience is quite fascinating, even if most of you probably stumbled upon Life as a Starving Poet by accident and left the page within moments of arriving. So don't give up on me alright? Even we bloggers need some encouragement now and again:)
Thanks for listening,
Maggs.      

Marching Magic

Dut. Dut. Dadadut (two three four). Dut. Dut. Dadadut (two three four). Dut. Dut. Dadadut (two three four). The sharp sound of a snare drum echoes off the brick walls of the local high school as I march in formation. The weather is just warm enough to make marching a sweaty task, and I find myself longing for the cold of this morning, when I had to scrape the frost off the car's windshield and when my breath showed clearly in the air. Welcome to October in Southern Wisconsin- warm days, cold mornings, and night temperatures below freezing. This time of the year is known as autumn, fall, or otono, if you speak Spanish (please excuse the lack of a tilde, by the way). But it has another name too. Autumn is marching band season. And marching is exactly what I'm doing outside on this fine October day. As the sun climbs higher, as it nears the climax of its daily journey, what do we do? We march. Around the school. In the road. 

     I know what you're thinking- you're wondering why I was marching in a road when I should've been in school learning about the chemical structure of carbohydrates or taking a test on Spanish verbs. But to tell you the truth, I don't care about that right now. Right now I'm in the zone. I'm keeping my head high, roll stepping to the beat as if my life depends on it, using my eyes to look around me and make sure I'm in line, make sure I'm "covering down" and "dressing to the form" and all that. I'm remembering the music I so carefully memorized,  letting it flow through me and gather emotion. I'm watching my section leader's feet, making sure my left foot hits the ground at the same time hers does. There is so much to remember that it seems impossible. But for a moment, I've got it- for just a second, I glimpse a bit of what this is supposed to be. 

     And then it's all gone, with one shouted "halt!" from the director. We keep marching for a few steps, and then understand what's happening. Many of us stop, but some keep playing the next few notes, trying to hold on to that perfect feeling when the music, the beat, and your feet are all working together and the practices you've been having since June finally pay off. It sounds perfect to us, but not to the director- no, not to him at all.

     "First of all," he says, "your feet aren't in time. You've got to listen to the beat! And tubas, that can't be so slow. You're the tubas, for Pete's sake! You're the engine of this band- it has to be better!" To him, there are a million things wrong. But to a freshman like me, it's perfect- pure marching magic, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 
Thanks for listening,
Maggs   

Formal Apologies

When I visited my blog today, I was horrified to discover that I only posted once in the month of September. That is why I'm here now, offering you, my group of devoted readers (maybe not so devoted anymore, but I'm going to change that), my sincerest apologies. I now promise that I will write more than once in this wonderful month of October, and do my very best to entertain you all and add some more people to my audience.

And now, for the best part of every apology: the excuses. But please, before you remark upon my rather cynical belief that most people can't admit they're wrong without justifying said wrongdoing, listen to my personal excuses, and you'll see what I mean:

The Writer's Reasons For Ignoring Her Blog

• She has been braving the dreaded high school, and that frankly is enough for one girl to handle
• The homework epidemic grows worse each day, and it's hard to find time to write when there are four tests to study for, as well as a reading assignment and some algebra nonsense to complete
• Extreme lack of sleep
• Two words: marching band
• If she gets any time on the computer at all, the evils of Facebook distract her until she has to go to bed
• A busy schedule: after school, she has homework and more homework, and on the weekends there's band to be considered.
• Lastly, sometimes our intrepid writer is just too lazy to get her poetic heinie down the computer to write for a while

Those were my excuses, dear public of mine. Hopefully they have satisfied your craving for a post from moi (if there was any craving to begin with, that is), and now I'm off to see the Wizard. But never fear, I shall return before the month is over!

Thanks for accepting my apologies.

Love, Maggs

A Bit of Interest

Today, with the help of my Eastern Cultural Studies class, I discovered something quite interesting. This something is called Glogster, a site where anyone can start an account and then create all sorts of virtual posters. These posters can be used to try out some of your writing skills on the public or to vent off steam about a particular topic. You can also use a poster to advertise for a site, which, believe it or not, I did. So go take a look at Glogster (www.glogster.com), and who knows what you'll create next?

New York City

If I was given one word to describe New York, that word would be busy. Everywhere you look, people are running back and forth, speed-walking somewhere, jabbering into cell phones, or hailing cabs. But not only is the city full of locals! It is also filled with tourists.

One of my first thoughts on going to NYC was that whatever I did, I did not want to look like a tourist. Therefore, I purposefully didn't wear my Hawaiian shirt and tastefully left my camera neck strap at home. But once you set foot in Times Square, you realize something: it is quite impossible not to

gawk like a tourist if you haven't been to the city at least four or five times before, and what's more, once you're in Times Square, it doesn't matter- everyone there is at least as touristy as you are, if not more. Everywhere you look, there are people in "I Heart NY" t-shirts taking pictures of themselves in front of the square or pointing at any one of the huge ads that line the place.

Once you get out of Times Square, you begin to see fewer tourists and more New Yorkers. The two types of people are easily distinguished: the New Yorkers have cell phones, and the tourists have cameras. The New Yorkers are more likely to shove past you rudely, and believe me, this does actually happen. In fact, if given the choice, I would much rather be surrounded by tourists than in a place full of only the city's business executives.

Fortunately for me, this was actually what happened. Most of the places we went to were populated almost entirely by tourists. Take Rockefeller Center, for example. We went up to

the "Top of the Rock" to see the city from the air (the view is just as good as it is from the Empire State Building, and the lines are shorter). Up there, I heard people speaking every kind of language imaginable (French, Italian, German, and a few I couldn't identify). But I'm willing to bet that not one of them was a genuine New Yorker, except for the security guards.

There were a few places we did go that seemed to be filled mostly with locals, though. One of these places was the Plaza. On the inside, the Plaza looks nothing like it does in the Eloise

movies, but it is still incredibly fancy. And when I say fancy, I mean fancy- crystal chandeliers, oriental rugs, and marble columns galore! Another place in New York that seems to be reserved only for its locals was Grand Central Terminal. The place was absolutely filled with business people who actually ran to catch their trains. It looked like an anthill after

someone poured water on it, with people dashing to and fro and moving constantly. All in all, the city definitely fits my one-word description of busy, and I would most certainly say yes if anyone offered me the chance to go back.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

All the Answers

Here are the answers to yesterday's Ultimate Harry Potter Quiz, for those of you who are truly obsessed with all things Potter:

Level One: 1-c, 2-a, 3-b, 4-c, 5-a. Level Two: 1-a, 2-c, 3-b, 4-c, 5-b. Level Three: 1-b, 2-c, 3-a, 4-c, 5-a.

So how did you do? Did you bomb the quiz, or are you now a certified HP Fan? You can post the number of answers that you got right or wrong in a comment, or keep your results to yourself; it's your choice. But however well you did hardly matters. If you took the test, that alone shows your dedication to Harry Potter!

Unfortunately for you (my dear readers), I will be on vacation for the next few weeks so I won't be able to post anything. However, when I get back from the magical East Coast, I promise a full-length article on my adventures in possibly the greatest of all cities- New York.

Thanks for listening, and farewell until next time!

Maggs

The Ultimate Harry Potter Quiz

Today I introduce to you a brilliant writer, the master of quizzes, the authority on all things HP, none other than my dear sister, Lucy. And at the same time, I also bring on a new era for Life as a Starving Poet- the era of the guest-writer. So without further ado, I give you......Lucy!

Hey ya'll fools- this is my epic Harry Potter Quiz,

made just for you (not really, I just say that

to make you feel extra special). So, do you think

you're awesome enough? Take the quiz, and

find out.

The Ultimate Harry Potter Quiz

By Lucy

Level One

Any idiot should be able to answer these!

1. Who is the first person to tell Harry

that he is a wizard?

A. Vernon Dursley.

B. Albus Dumbledore.

C. Rubeus Hagrid.

2. The second book in the HP series is:

A. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

B. Harry Potter and the Secrets of Azkaban.

C. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Chamber.

3. Harry's worst enemy at Hogwarts is:

A. Neville Longbottom.

B. Draco Malfoy.

C. Luna Lovegood.

4. Which position does Snape teach at

Hogwarts in books 1-5?

A. Defense against the dark arts.

B. Charms.

C. potions.

5. What do people call Voldemort when they

don't want to say his name?

A. He-who-must-not-be-named.

B. Lord Voldie.

C. What's his face.

Level Two

If you call yourself a fan, you should be able to figure this out.

1. The name of Mr. Crouch's house elf is:

A. Winky.

B. Blinker.

C. Kermit.

2. Proffesor Slughorn puts together parties

for his favorite students, whom he calls:

A. Sluhorn's Super Students.

B. Sluggie's Gang.

C. The Slug Club.

3. Ron accidentaly swallows a love potion in

book six, causing him to fall in love with:

A. Hermione Granger.

B. Romilda Vane.

C. Parvati Patil.

4. In book two, Harry, Ron, and Hermione

brew the polyjuice potion where?

A. In the forbidden corridor on the 3rd

floor.

B. In the chamber leading into the school

kitchens.

C. Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

5. What is the main spell Harry uses in the

first task of The Triwizard Tournament?

A. Confundus Charm.

B. Accio.

C. Batbogey Hex.

Level Three

Only really smart people know these answers, so I can't expect any

of you to figure these out.

1. In book four, Cedric lets Harry use the

prefects bathroom. What is the Password?

A. Mimblus Mimbletonia.

B. Pine Fresh.

C. Lemon Drop.

2. A Basilisk is made when you:

A. Inject a snake with Dragon's blood.

B. You cross a Komodo Dragon with a python.

C. Hatch a Chicken's egg under a toad.

3. When Harry moves into Dudley's second

bedroom, there's a cage that used to hold a

parrot. Why is it now empty?

A. He traded it for a real air rifle.

B. He threw it out the window after it

tried to eat one of his computer games.

C. He used it to attack a kid that

tried to beat him up, so his parents

got rid of it.

4.How do you get into the school kitchens?

A. There's a picture of a man eating toast

in the entrance hall. Poke him in the

stomach and the portrait swings aside

to reveal a door.

B. Whisper "Butter" into the face mask

of the suit of armor on the left side

of the staff table in the Grand Hall.

C. There's a picture of a bowl of fruit

in a small room off the great hall.

Tickle the pear, and a door handle

will appear.

5. In the first book, Vernon Dursley gets a

postcard from Aunt Marge saying that:

A. She's sick because she ate a funny

whelk.

B. Her bulldog, Ripper, attacked Colonel

Fubster the other day

(Ripper was provoked, of course).

C. She is going to be in Majorca on

holiday for the next fortnight.

Congratulations! You did it. How you did....

well, you'll have to wait until tomorrow

to find out.

Thanks for listening to my sister, and good luck on the quiz!

If you liked the quiz, hated it, or have any ideas or

corrections that would make it better, feel free to

share your thoughts in a comment.

Maggs

A Masterpiece

If you think back to several posts ago, you may remember a poet named Lorine Niedecker. Ever since that post was written, my dad and I have been working on a video tribute to Lorine. Take a look:

Lorine Niedecker

Feel free to post a comment with your thoughts on the video:)

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

The Doldrums

By the beginning of July, people begin to get a bit bored with summer. All your plans in early June to, "go outside more often" or "read more books than ever" have either fallen flat, or have already been carried out. For younger people like me, you start to stay inside and watch more T.V. For the adults out there, you no longer plan elaborate meals on the grill or family picnics for dinner after work. You turn to frozen pizza- at least it keeps the kids happy, right?

This state of tiresome existence is called The Doldrums. It is not a pleasant place to be, but most of us end up there eventually. You can only do so much with your summer, after all. For all of those out there suffering in The Doldrums, here's something to take your mind off of it:

The Tom Swifty. Here are a few by David Lubar, from his book Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie:

• "Who turned off the lights?" said Tom dimly
• "I lost my wrists," Tom said offhandedly
• "I'd like a hotdog," Tom said frankly
• "Stop this horse!" Tom said haltingly

Get it? Here are a few of my own:

• "I think your clarinet's a bit flat," Tom said tunelessly.
• "That plant needs watering," Tom said dryly.
• "You sound like a broken record," said Tom repeatedly.
• "I've lost all of my clothes!" Tom said barely.

Thinking up Tom Swifties is a great way to beat The Doldrums. Give it a try- you can even post your best ones on this site in the form of a comment.

Thanks for listening,

Maggs

A Taste of Heaven

In the middle of Door County lies a place called Chambers Island. It is both an island literally and figuratively- yes, this is possible. Not only is it located in Lake Michigan,making it a real island, but it is also an island in the sense that it is apart from everything else. It is a sanctuary in the middle of the hustle and bustle of tourist-trap Door County. It is a place to go for relaxation and spiritual enlightenment.

On Chambers Island there is a place called Holy Name Retreat House, where I spent my past weekend. It is a Catholic retreat house that holds three-day silent retreats focused on God and finding calm

within. You may think that a silent retreat sounds rather boring and lonely, but it is just the opposite. The silence is there so that you have a chance to listen to what God is telling you, and so that you can think more clearly.

The relaxing ways of Holy Name retreat House have made such an impression on people that they have called it a

"truly blessed and holy place"

declared it, "beautiful and wonderful", and even referred to the experience as, "...coming home to be refreshed."

Not only does the island provide you with an exceptional chance to relax, but it also has many trails for walking or biking and a lake you can swim in whenever you want. There is also an historic light

house about two miles from the retreat house that is periodically opened to the public, and an old foundation of a hotel that you can explore. Benches and swings are placed all over the grounds of the retreat house, providing you with a chance to sit and view

the various birds and animals that can be found on the island.

If you're looking for a place to "get away from it all", then the Holy Name Retreat House on Chambers Island is most definitely the place for you! If you would like to visit the Holy Name Retreat House, visit their website for more information.

Not surprisingly, the quiet atmosphere on the island provides endless inspiration for poetry. Here's a poem I wrote during a rain storm on the island:

Tree on a Stormy Day

Tree on a stormy day:

Leaves mix in more than breeze.

Branches sway and bob.

The twigs, the fingers, snap and crack.

The roots dig into the ground.

Moss clings to the edges of the trunk-

which is slippery and smooth.

Far above these mosses,

birds, squirrels, and other creatures

huddle and hunker down.

this is the tree,

as rain showers it,

wind gusts it,

and many, calling it home,

find its branches safe and sound.

Copyright MPK 2010, all rights reserved, unauthorized use is prohibited.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

Excessive Parenting

Are you suffering from the deadly and all-too-common Excessive Parenting Syndrome? Even though I am not a mom (or a dad), I have been familiarized with the top ten symptoms of this syndrome. They are as follows:

1. Singing the Barney theme song under you breath constantly
2. Measuring time according to when your oldest child was born (let's see... I got this job three years after Joey was born, so I've been working here for nine years)
3. Having the children's menu for at least two of your local restaurants memorized
4. Knowing the phone number for the nearest pediatrician by heart
5. Grabbing the nearest person's hand and saying,"hold on to Mommy while we cross the road" whenever you come to a street with more than six cars on it
6. Knowing all the words to at least three Dr. Seuss books by heart
7. Having the Story Time schedule for your local library memorized
8. Timing how long it takes you to get a crabby, tired four-year-old dressed every morning
9. Frequent use of words such as naughty, big boy (or girl), and sweetie
10. Referring to yourself in the third person constantly (Mommy would like you to go put your toys away or Daddy is trying to cook dinner now and he can't help you with that)

If you find yourself doing more than two of the above, you may be suffering from Excessive Parenting Syndrome and it is highly advised that you call 1-800-mykidsaredrivingmecrazy right now*.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

*Note: Life as a Starving poet will not be held responsible for any onsets of hypochondriac-ism or any miss-diagnosis on the behalf of the reader. We also cannot guarantee that you will be provided with any helpful information whatsoever when you call the above number.