Excessive Parenting

Are you suffering from the deadly and all-too-common Excessive Parenting Syndrome? Even though I am not a mom (or a dad), I have been familiarized with the top ten symptoms of this syndrome. They are as follows:

1. Singing the Barney theme song under you breath constantly
2. Measuring time according to when your oldest child was born (let's see... I got this job three years after Joey was born, so I've been working here for nine years)
3. Having the children's menu for at least two of your local restaurants memorized
4. Knowing the phone number for the nearest pediatrician by heart
5. Grabbing the nearest person's hand and saying,"hold on to Mommy while we cross the road" whenever you come to a street with more than six cars on it
6. Knowing all the words to at least three Dr. Seuss books by heart
7. Having the Story Time schedule for your local library memorized
8. Timing how long it takes you to get a crabby, tired four-year-old dressed every morning
9. Frequent use of words such as naughty, big boy (or girl), and sweetie
10. Referring to yourself in the third person constantly (Mommy would like you to go put your toys away or Daddy is trying to cook dinner now and he can't help you with that)

If you find yourself doing more than two of the above, you may be suffering from Excessive Parenting Syndrome and it is highly advised that you call 1-800-mykidsaredrivingmecrazy right now*.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

*Note: Life as a Starving poet will not be held responsible for any onsets of hypochondriac-ism or any miss-diagnosis on the behalf of the reader. We also cannot guarantee that you will be provided with any helpful information whatsoever when you call the above number.

Top Ten Reasons Why....

Let's face it. We all (at least those of us under the age of eighteen) wonder why we have to go to school. And a few nights ago, while procrastinating an algebra assignment, I came up with a list of reasons why. Here you go:

The Top Ten Reasons to Go to School

1. Someday, you could go on Jeopardy and win big because of your eighth grade history class.

2. You'll need to be able to tell your grandkids how difficult school was when you were young if they ever complain about their classes.

3. You need to know something to impress the in-laws.

4. Two words: truancy officers.

5. Learning how to count will give you the ability to not look like an idiot compared to the rest of society.

6. Can you say, "gets all the best bargains on Black Friday because she's been calculating percents since the seventh grade"?

7. Calculus is so fun, and if you don't learn your rational equations, you'll never get to give it a try!

8. It "builds character".

9. Everyone loves memorizing all the dates of the battles in World War One, especially since nobody knows why it actually started...

10. And last but not least, the only reason that summer is any fun is because it's time away from school. So if there was no school, we would have summer all the time and everyone would be really sunburned, bored to tears, and entirely fed up with watching re-runs of Little House On The Prairie.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

The Council of Wise Sayings

Today I discovered something very important- they're wrong. Now, you may be thinking, "Who? Who's wrong? Has she gone crazy?" No, my dear readers, I have not gone crazy. I have simply had an epiphany, shall we say. You might also call it a realization, a sort of eureka moment, or a sudden understanding. In this recognition of truth I discovered that certain people are wrong. Now who these certain people are, I can't exactly tell you. That is because I do not know who they are. You see, the people who I am referring to are those who came up with such sayings as, "what you see is what you get."

As I have recently found out, what you see isn't always what you get. Many times people will surprise you by revealing something totally unexpected about themselves. For example, maybe that burly football player in your high school English Class was really a very talented actor at heart. Maybe that goth chick you know is, in actuality, a great fan of classical music. Perhaps the starving artist at the end of your block really hates to paint, and is only there because his mother makes him. You just never know.

I would also like to point out that these people (not the goth chick and company mentioned above, but the people who came up with all these sayings in the first place) often contradict themselves. On the one hand, they state that what you see is what you get. But on the other hand, these are the same people who have told us time and time again not to judge a book by it's cover. So which is it, oh Council of Wise Sayings? Are we to look at the outside of things and make a decision depending solely on the appearance, or are we supposed to look deeper within and find the true meaning of something? Personally, I think that you have to make your own choice because it all depends on the situation. It's up to you, whatever you decide, but remember: they're wrong too, sometimes.

Thanks for listening,

Maggs

A Bit of Nonsense

Whatever you do, don't expect this to make sense. I promise you it won't. No matter how hard you try, you will absolutely not be able to get anything out of this. After reading it, your mind will have turned to a blob of.... well, we don't know. That's just it. We don't know. I know least of all, which is why I am the one writing this nonsensical bit of wondering. If this were at all important, I would call in an expert on the matter. But seeing as this is about bepuzzledness, confuzzlement, and baffleossity, I have decided to become qualified. Therefore, I have just spent the past hour bumbling my brains with algebra in order to become unbalanced enough to write this. I hope you appreciate this, Marvin! Now who is Marvin, you may ask. You mean to say that you don't know? Dang. I was hoping someone could tell me. Wait just one minute, please.............. (insert rather tiresome hold music) aha! Marvin the second, that is to say, Marvin's son, has just informed me that he will be willing to tell me who Marvin is if I could bother to tell him who a certain puppy named Bill is. Well, I don't know a puppy named Bill, but I'm sure that someone out there in this universe does. And now that I think about it, who would name their puppy Bill? Not to say that Bill is a bad name for a puppy, exactly, but it is rather unusual. However, I am sure that there are some even more unusual names out there, even if they don't belong to puppies. Let me see....... some very strange names are as follows:

• Humperdink (boy)
• Jypsie (girl)
• Bharnee (girl)
• Zanella (girl)
• Wyl (boy)
• Zarson (boy)

Now, I do not wish to offend anyone who has decided to name their child any of the above names. Maybe your son Zarson is at the top of his class, or your daughter Jypsie is an expert ballerina headed for the Joffrey Ballet Company. I just simply wish to point out that these names seem a little strange to me because I have grown up knowing people with more common names such as Emma, Lucas, Katelynn, Daniel, or Stephanie. However, if you have been deeply offended, I suggest that you go talk to my friend Marvin (mentioned above). He will help you, if you can find him.

Thanks for listening (especially today when my mind has gone a little crazy)!

As always, the Disturbed and Unusual Maggs

P.S. My Great-Grandfather Albert actually had a dog named John who would catch a live bluegill if you tossed it to him and eat it whole. I have a very strange family, did you know?

Something New

Today, I discovered something new and amazing. It's a song called, "Lux Aurumque" by Eric Whitacre. It is performed by the Virtual Choir on YouTube. Now, this might not sound very interesting, but just wait. The Virtual Choir isn't just any choir. It is composed entirely of the videos individual people made of themselves all singing the same song. Hundreds of people auditioned to be in the Virtual Choir, but only some made it. They are a select few from countries allover the world, ranging from Germany to the U.S. and then on to Singapore. Some people may say that this lacks the unity of a "real" choir- meaning one that sings together, all the time, in person. But I disagree. Although an actual choir does present some unity by showing how a bunch of people can literally blend into one voice and one solid thing, I think that the Virtual Choir says something more. Here you have people from all over the world. At first they sang alone, hoping that their auditions would be good enough to be selected. And you may notice that when one person sings this song alone, it's not much to sneeze at. But when all of these people's videos are combined, it forms a beautiful, ethereal song. It says something more because the people weren't together in the beginning. Only when someone else combines their voices can the entire song of Lux Aurumque be heard.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

The Results Are In!

As you, my regular readers, know, today was the day of the wizards vs. elves poll. In a moment I will post those results, but first I'd like to do a brief summary of the poll.

First up: the candidates. I'll introduce the elves, my personal favorites, first. The good things about elves are as follows: they are like upgraded humans, they live for a very long time, they speak a cool and exotic language, and they are generally known for their speed and skills. On the other hand, there are the wizards. They rock because: they have all sorts of magic up their sleeves, most good fantasy stories have at least one wizard (or witch) in them, they actually are humans, and one word: Dumbledore.

Next, I'd like to say thanks to all the people who participated in my survey. I was very grateful when you took me seriously, and also a little bit surprised because I didn't get any questions regarding the survey. Everyone I asked just considered the choices and answered. So thanks, people, for making it relatively easy.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: the results!

Out of all 50 people who were surveyed, nine were undecided, twenty-one were for the wizards, and the other twenty agreed with me and voted for the elves. And because this is the website of a starving poet, and because the wizards did win, I present you with this:

Wizards

With magic up his sleeves,

and a feather in his cap,

on round, green doors,

with his staff he does tap.

A head of bushy hair,

and a loving, kindly heart.

Our favorite young witch

is impossible to out-smart.

And last but not least

comes the best of them all.

with words like oddment, tweak and blubber,

he heads Hogwarts Hall.

Copyright MPK 2010, all rights reserved, unauthorized use is prohibited.

Congratulations, wizard-lovers! you've won (for now).

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

The Case for Pirates

Alright everyone. The time has come to answer that burning question: which are cooler, pirates or ninjas?

I personally am a total pirate fan. Pirates are way cooler! They can function when intoxicated, they don't have to follow any rules, they have a ruthless sense of justice, and they say cool stuff that no one can understand (such as "shiver me timbers"). I understand that they also have more fun than ninjas. (It's true.)

However, some people out there have obviously been put under the ninja association's mind- control powers because they believe that ninjas are, in fact, way cooler than the truly awesome pirates. When pressed about why they think this, ninja lovers always point out that ninjas would win in a fight. Even I must admit that this is true, but nevertheless! Winning isn't everything. Therefore, pirates are way cooler.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

P.S. I have been informed by a secret source that some people have completely dropped the questions of pirates vs. ninjas and turned to a different battle: which are cooler, elves (as in Lord of the Rings) or wizards (as in Harry Potter)? Tomorrow I'll publish the results of a peer-wide survey regarding this important matter. For now, keep your doubloons polished, my pirate friends!

Ridiculously Happy

Today, I did something that made me ridiculously happy. My friend and I were invited to a banquet and we had to leave school to attend. We both wore dresses and when we got back, I didn't feel like changing back into my regular clothes so I spent the rest of the school day in a dress. For some reason, this made me about as happy as a clam in excited, six-year-old-girl-playing-dress-up way. When I got home, I spent some time skipping around outside and laughing at myself. It was very enjoyable.

So regarding my day, here's a bit of advice: go do something fun, something that makes you happy for a slightly strange reason. I don't know, maybe you'll spend and hour walking around in an office supply store and looking at all the different types of sticky notes and desk chairs. Maybe you'll pretend you're a ninja or secret agent. Whatever you do, just make sure you're happy. And if anyone thinks that you're crazy, just tell them that you got the advice from my blog and give them the web address.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

P.S. I actually did pretend I was a secret agent just a few days ago. I was babysitting and I finished the movie I was watching, but I couldn't figure out how to get the T.V. to go back to the normal channels. Also, the kids I babysit for are pretty young so they didn't have any good books that I could page through. I went to go check on the kids who were asleep (it was around eleven o'clock at night) and on my way back downstairs I stepped on something. It was a toy gun. I picked it up and, holding it in both hands like the spies in the movies do, I proceeded to sneak back to their living room like a secret agent. It was awesome, and very strange.

P.P.S. I added some new things to the page, I hope you like them! Please feel free to comment if you have any suggestions about where stuff should go, new things you'd like to see, etc.

Spring Has Sprung

In case all of you out there have been to busy to notice, spring has certainly sprung in the past few days. And as my favorite season is now spring (I'm sure in a few months it will be summer), and listing things is actually a form of poetry, I've decided to share with you all the things I love about spring:

• I love the way things smell, especially lilacs which are in full bloom during May.

Lilacs

Soft and velvety

a lilac's scent fills my nose.

They are true spring blooms.

copyright MPK 2010, all rights reserved, unauthorized use prohibited

• I love the way everything is so darn green and wherever you look, new plants are sprouting up.
• I love how blue the sky is and the way all the new, earthy colors go together.
• I love cloud watching and letting my imagination run wild when I do.
• I love describing the entire season and trying to capture just a bit of it, as you can see from the various pictures which I took in my yard and the poems that I've written about spring, which you can see below:

Who Am I?

I can be felt

I can be heard

But it takes a special eye to see me.

I can be smelled

I can carry words

But it takes a special creature to tame me.

Who am I? I am wind.

Copyright MPK 2010, all rights reserved, unauthorized use is prohibited

Spring

Things burst into bloom

greening, greening,

ever-growing anew.

Fresh happiness

has returned

copyright MPK 2010, all rights reserved, unauthorized use is prohibited

Thanks for listening, and enjoy the weather!

Maggs

Dead, Yes, Forgotten, No.

Picture this- six people standing around a grave marked Neidecker, reading poetry and filming the momentous event. The wind blows through the trees and reminds them of a woman named Lorine. She was not a well-known poet when she was alive- in fact, she kept her poetry a secret, afraid that if people found out, they wouldn't treat her as they had before. Because she wasn't well-known during her lifetime, Lorine Niedecker has earned a spot on the Dead Poet's Bash tour.

The Dead Poet's Bash tour is a movement aimed at making sure dead poets are remembered

for their poems and insights into life. The tour has traveled all over the country visiting over twenty states to remember all sorts of poets, from Robert Lowell to Edgar Allan Poe himself. Their website (www.deadpoes.org), which promises that "no dead poets were injured in the making of this website", provides more details on the tour if you're interested.

If you had gone to the celebration yourself, you would have noticed a hand-l

ettered sign along the side of a busy road, letting you know that the dead poets weren't far off. This simple homemade sign seems to remind us that Lorine Niedecker wasn't wealthy or of a high social class. Instead of living in a big Victorian manor, as some may suspect of a poet, she had a tiny cottage on Black Hawk Island to call her own. It was there, and perhaps on her five mile journey to work along the river each day, that she found the inspiration for so many of her poems.

Along the river

wild sunflowers

over my head

the dead

who gave me life

give me this

our relative the air

floods

our rich friend

silt

By Lorine Niedecker

Thanks for listening!

Maggs