Excessive Parenting

Are you suffering from the deadly and all-too-common Excessive Parenting Syndrome? Even though I am not a mom (or a dad), I have been familiarized with the top ten symptoms of this syndrome. They are as follows:

1. Singing the Barney theme song under you breath constantly
2. Measuring time according to when your oldest child was born (let's see... I got this job three years after Joey was born, so I've been working here for nine years)
3. Having the children's menu for at least two of your local restaurants memorized
4. Knowing the phone number for the nearest pediatrician by heart
5. Grabbing the nearest person's hand and saying,"hold on to Mommy while we cross the road" whenever you come to a street with more than six cars on it
6. Knowing all the words to at least three Dr. Seuss books by heart
7. Having the Story Time schedule for your local library memorized
8. Timing how long it takes you to get a crabby, tired four-year-old dressed every morning
9. Frequent use of words such as naughty, big boy (or girl), and sweetie
10. Referring to yourself in the third person constantly (Mommy would like you to go put your toys away or Daddy is trying to cook dinner now and he can't help you with that)

If you find yourself doing more than two of the above, you may be suffering from Excessive Parenting Syndrome and it is highly advised that you call 1-800-mykidsaredrivingmecrazy right now*.

Thanks for listening!

Maggs

*Note: Life as a Starving poet will not be held responsible for any onsets of hypochondriac-ism or any miss-diagnosis on the behalf of the reader. We also cannot guarantee that you will be provided with any helpful information whatsoever when you call the above number.